French Fries have been in the news lately. Los Angeles Times writer Lucas Kwan Peterson released his chart on where french fries stand in terms of taste and texture. If you look at the chart, you’ll see In-N-Out ranks worst of any of them.
Naturally, this being an Internet-linked world, it has released all sorts of argument and fighting, with people valiantly defending their chosen favorite fry. Personally, all fries taste great, but some taste better than others depending on my mood, with one exception.
In-N-Out fries suck hard. In fact, I have a personal vendetta against them.
I had nightmares in my teens and early 20s, at points where I shouldn’t be having nightmares. I wondered why I was having them…and then I noticed a pattern. I would have really bad nightmares every time I ate at In-N-Out. So I stopped eating there and the nightmares went away, save for the occasional stress-related one. For years I avoided going to In-N-Out, despite the temptation conveyed to me by the glorious smell of their burgers each time I drove by.
Much later in my life, I was on a Facebook post about In-N-Out. I pointed out how their food gave me nightmares, to which a person responded that it was the fries. I decided to test this theory. I ordered a Double-Double and a cheeseburger, no fries, and downed them. Then went to sleep.
I had NO nightmares that night.
I don’t know what the fuck is in In-N-Out’s fries, or how they make them, but there’s something in there that does not play well with my digestive system. Am I the only one? Do they give you nightmares too? I’d love to hear potential reasons why, even if they border on the paranoid. My suspicion is that since they’re not really cooked to be well-done, there’s something in potatoes that triggers it that goes away once they’re fully cooked, but I have nothing to prove it.
Anyway, fuck In-N-Out’s fries.
There are many messages like this, I’m sure. But this one is mine. There are a number of you today who will be observing Mother’s . . .
Don’t be fooled. There is nothing for you at the Hollywood Walk of Fame except pain, stress, and nightmares.